Too early for this ****


Helmut Lang silk shirt – Everlane sweater – The Row pant – Frye Carly Chukkas – Yuki cat bombing my photo, taken by Z.

I left work early due to snow. Technically, this was a week ago because I’m a week ahead on my photos. OMG snow already! UGH. I live in a hilly area so driving home in snowy weather is a survival sport. I swear when I leave work I scream: WITNESS ME! (Mad Max Fury Road reference – bonus because my haircut makes me look like Imperator Furiosa). It sucked because what is on an ideal day a 20 minute drive in to work – took me an hour to get home due to road closures (the main one I take) and cars driving super slow and sliding like idiots all over the road after two inches of snow fell.

In any case I got home early (yay!) and got on the treadmill because many of my steps during my day are taken while storming through the shop floor, checking on part orders and then walking back to furiously write emails about updates and issues and then panicking and taking a walk around the parking lot. Only now said parking lot is covered in snow and it’s generally too cold to do so outside. Grrr… my daily walk-breaks are routine at work and I’m a bit out of sorts now because I can’t get that fresh air break and move around. Z asks why I don’t just walk laps around the shop floor and well… that’s because it’s literally packed to the gills with machines, tools and odds and ends and the floors are super slippery and I have to wear special non-slip shoes when I’m on the shop floor. It’s not an ideal place to take a leisurely walk. That in itself is some kind of survival sport. I see the shop floor like a potentially deadly Rube-Goldberg machine. For those curious as to why, just look up CNC machine videos on Youtube.

So earlier this week I mentioned getting more sweaters and I’ll admit, I’ve already broken my non-promise to stop spending money on clothes. I ordered some items from TRR and I’m about to order more items – mostly sweaters – from a fast-fashion site. Boo. Hiss. I’m awful. Start the lynching! Why am I doing this!?!

A. Because I have plans to go on a full on clothing shopping ban in 2019.
B. (This is a long, bullshit excuse so bear with it…) I love sweaters and since I did the KonMari thing and threw out several, I’ve been trying to make up for that since then (seriously, KonMari-ing my wardrobe was a mistake I’m still making up for) and I know the brands on the fast-fashion site (Yesstyle) I plan on buying these items from will not disappoint. I’m buying for the long haul – meaning they will last me a really long time so no I don’t feel bad about it. These sweaters will not only last this winter but many more to come. That is my goal.
C. I can’t find the styles of sweaters I like anywhere else. I’ve tried several second hand places and sometimes the shit I find on TRR makes me wonder: who da fuq would buy that if it was $5 let alone $150 or $525!?

Plans for this weekend? Hanging plants! I’ve gone full-on bonkers for taking care of plants now and I’ve begged Z to get the right anchoring thing-a-majiggies for plaster ceilings we need for hanging plants indoors. I have a nursery I love and have had a horrible habit of driving to Every. Single. Weekend. to just look at plants. I think one of the guys there who sees me all the time may think I’m lonely or something.

Anyway, hope everyone is having a good long holiday weekend (hopefully) in the US.


On not needing things other than clothes


Y’s turtleneck – Everlane sweater – The Row pant – Jil Sander shoes

I’m realizing that while I kept saying I don’t need any more clothes that it’s not stopping me from buying other things I don’t need now. I’m replacing one habit with another. Now, it’s buying new bedding or having ten flavors of honey as options for whatever tea I’m drinking in the office (my current favorite is chestnut tea). This isn’t really solving the issue at all and while I am picking up my exercise routine as much as I can, I need to be more aware of stopping myself from buying other things simply because I can.

If anything, I need to be saving the money I’m not spending on clothes to use for bigger house projects like us wanting to get new floors and update the bathroom and change out the kitchen counter tops and repaving the driveway, etc… I need to look at it as a challenge on how I can save up the money to do these things rather than shrug it off and buy another expensive piece of clothing.

Routine… during the hardest time of the year

black and grey

Y’s turtleneck top – The Row pant – Jil Sander shoes

I’ve had lots of mini break downs lately. My mother was here for a couple weeks and although I love her dearly it’s difficult to always be talking about what’s going to happen (or not, which is even worse not knowing…) or about what I need to do with regards to dad’s estate since I’m solely responsible for doing everything now. Having the responsibility doesn’t bother me, but rather I feel like I’ve simply not had time to grieve and work my feelings out from all of it. It seems like everything came crashing down all in the span of one month and now we are sitting in a holding pattern of dread, fear, stress and anxiety until late December (mom’s sentencing) and beyond.

As a result, any patterns I’ve had to keep myself sane have flown out the window. I’m not exercising regularly. I’m not eating as well as I used to and suddenly find myself binging. I also have been having mini minor panic attacks simply from talking about any of this. I’ve also noticed I’m justifying purchasing anything and everything because I just fucking need instant gratification now on something that won’t make me want to punch a wall or scream.

I sorta had one of those “oh wait, I remember when….” moments this past weekend, which stopped me in my tracks. Many years ago when I was unemployed for a ridiculously long time I didn’t buy clothes (granted I bought other little things, but didn’t spend nearly as much money) and I exercised a lot. Oh yeah, remember that time Jen when you went FIVE YEARS without even buying a new pair of underwear or socks? It wasn’t until well after I’d had a job that I even thought about buying clothes and then remembered I kinda needed new underwear because I got tired of it sagging off me. Part of that was due to my underwear being so old and part was due to having lost weight. Remembering that made me realize I honestly don’t need to buy anything at this point in time. Would it be nice to have x, y and z items? Sure, but I really don’t need them and I’ve lived well enough without such things before, so what’s the point of getting it now?

I also remembered every other time I was miserable and tried to think what the hell I did to normalize myself. It ended up being exercise. So today I got out my notebook and nearly cried at the numbers as I put them down. In April I could do 4 reps of chin-ups: 15, 13, 12, 10. That means I did 15 consecutive chin ups in one rep before pausing for a couple minutes and then doing another 13 and so on. God fucking damn my arms were amazing then. Today’s numbers: 4, 4, 3, 3. Pitiful. I don’t even want to think about whether or not I can do a pull-up and those are much harder.

I miss feeling strong. I miss my boring routine. I miss hating exercising – if that makes sense. I’m writing it here to kick myself in the ass and give myself something to focus on again since I’ve been all over the place lately. This will be an enormous challenge as well knowing what’s coming up and knowing the weather is not going to get any warmer now. Also holidays are coming soon and that’s always throws a wrench on any routine at all.



Acne Studios sweater – The Row pant – Frye shoes

I may end up living in this sweater this winter. It really is the perfect, comfortable and warm sweater I’ve been wanting for a long time. The sweater is lambswool and the pant is virgin wool. I’m not sure what the difference is, but I was quite toasty. Almost too much so for the weather we had. Also, wearing this much warm wool makes it very difficult for me to want to change into workout clothes, especially running outside.

Too busy to think


Yohji Yamamoto top – The Row pant – Jil Sander shoes

This outfit is baggy and loose and I kinda felt like that really weird high school art teacher everyone isn’t quite sure has all her marbles. That being said, I was extremely comfortable, despite the large amount of weird looks I got for this outfit. This is the YY shirt I’ve had my eye on for well over a year and it does not disappoint. I’ll have to take better photos of all the little pleated details everywhere. There are little pleats on the cuffs and on the back. It’s meant to be that weird oversized type of garment and I could easily see wearing it open as a sort of short duster as well.

I really feel like karma decided to spite me for taking that half day earlier in the week. I ended up being progressively busier as the week went on and by Friday my head was spinning from all the stuff I had to keep track of and respond to. A coworker asked me why my clients were the problem children and I told her because I’m the only one who can keep them in line. It’s really sad when I have to tell a client to stop updating POs if they want the parts to start running anytime soon and then tell another client they are the ones who have the revision changes wrong on the PO and then I literally point out the order.  And then there’s my usual problem child…. who gave me the totally wrong drawings for a quote – for the year – and now we have to start all over again with the new ones, which are clearly so half-assed that my engineers have to practically redo them for the client. *sigh*

I was too busy to think about my anxiety with my family. Is it weird that work stress somewhat keeps me on even keel so that I’m not getting chest pains by being too busy?