Scheduling routine

neutrals

The remote for my camera is currently out of commission so I dragged up the workout mirror from the basement to take this outfit photo. I didn’t realize the mirror was so dirty until much later.

Lately I’ve been wearing jeans a lot, but today I felt like wearing a bunch of neutrals so I mentally put this outfit together in my head last night and I’m glad it worked out just as nicely in reality when I wore it today.  It’ll be much colder tomorrow and rainy all day so I’ll be back in jeans and a sweater and probably my Blundies.

Work is slowly getting better, but I’m still running myself ragged a few days out of the week. However, it came to light that technically certain management could care less about the extra work I’m doing to make sure stuff gets out and improve our delivery dates. Realizing this, plus the wave of people leaving due to said management has given me serious thoughts about dusting off my resume and looking elsewhere. While the immediate people I work with the most are really amazing and make working there much more tolerable, there’s only so much that can keep someone at a job when higher ups flat out don’t give a crap about the hard work being put into it.

My new planner has been keeping me on track much better than I thought. I scheduled out a routine, but realized some days I can’t do a certain activity. Instead of blowing it off like I normally would in the past, I’m now exchanging day activities so I keep the routine going and at a consistency that won’t allow me to give up. For instance, I’ve scheduled my workouts 3 days a week (Mon, Wed, Fri). Since the weather is nice I’ve been running outside more. However, due to all the rain coming in tomorrow I exchanged my facial day for my workout day so I ran today and will use my NuFace device tomorrow. I think this is what I’ve been missing all along when it comes to keeping up my routines. I never tracked them before, but now that I do I’m seeing how I can compromise on days for things that aren’t possible instead of throwing my hands up in the air and couch-potato-ing it.

I’m also tapering off my anti-anxiety medication. I’ve been on it for over a year and while I tried to taper off with the last script I gave up. This time the doctor left a note with the pharmacist to say: this is the last one. Got it. I’m being forced to really do it this time. Granted, I got some not so good news from my mom last weekend, which put me in a severe panic and made me question going off the meds at all knowing what may happen in the next few months, but I’m going to keep steady with tapering off for now. I’ve also already scheduled out dosages in my planner for that as well. I can’t compromise on this because the medication is a beast and being consistent is key. Whenever I start another low dosage taper I get what Z calls “applesauce brain”. He also was on this medication a few years ago and had to taper off it, which he said was brutal. He constantly had headaches. I’ve had more headaches than usual, but the fogginess or sort of bleh, mushy feeling I get is worse, hence the term applesauce-brain.

Mental health

blah day

Everlane top – Uniqlo pant – Dries Van Noten shoes

I left work early today for mental health.

Since my dad died and now my mom is alone to deal with all the shit she’s been through I’ve had severe anxiety issues. I’ve not had them this bad in a long time – at least ten years. I know it’s severe when I have angina attacks. Angina can have several causes, but in my case it’s due to severe anxiety and stress. The muscles constrict so tightly it reduces blood flow to the heart and causes pain similar to a heart attack. I freaked the fuck out the first time I experienced it while in college. I went to a doctor when I started experiencing the pain, thinking I was having a heart attack. The doctor told me what it was and it was due to anxiety and stress. Many years later I experienced it again as a reaction to a medication so I knew not to take it ever again. But now it’s back and it’s mostly due to me thinking about my mom’s situation all the time.

I’ve had two attacks in the past week.

After the pain finally subsides, which can take upwards of an hour, I feel as though someone used my chest as a punching bag. The first time last week the pain was so numbing afterwards I felt sore all over and couldn’t do anything the following day. The second time was in the middle of the night. I hadn’t been sleeping well and it made me even more awake at 5 am.

I couldn’t sleep last night and could tell I was feeling the anxiety tension build up. The tightness in my chest becomes unbearable and then the pain stabs and doesn’t let up until I’ve figured out how to calm down or take lots of medicine. All morning at work my chest felt tight and I was extremely emotional. A coworker immediately noticed and pulled me into her office to talk. She’s had angina before so she could relate and knows what’s going on with me as well. The other day she said she was amazed how calm and controlled I can look under the circumstances, but I’m really not. I feel like I’ve been cracking lately. Today was one of those days where nothing could keep it down. I went home and screamed and cried and went out for a run, which did help briefly.

I’ve got a doctor’s appointment later this week. I know I need medication for this while I’m in the thick of it and until my mom’s situation is sorted out I may be on meds for a while. I really hate taking medications and I know the line of drugs anxiety meds falls  under can be harsh on the body. Anxiety/anti-depression drugs are very easy to get addicted to and the side effects and withdrawals from them can be monstrous. I know about coming off anti-depression drugs from when I was in college, so I’ve never been keen to go back on anything like that. However, I may have to suck it up and take it now if I’m to get through a day of work or even get a decent night’s worth of sleep.