The one item from my recent TRR shopping I kept is this coat. I’d gotten rid of my old black wool coat several years ago. It wasn’t until last year that I really missed having a heavy-but-not-snow-storm-worthy wool coat. The tailoring of this coat once again reminded me of why Yohji-sama is a master with design. Even though the double breasted front looks like I have all six buttons done up (or actually three to be buttoned), the coat curves in a slight way so that the bottom two buttons create an optical illusion. Only the top two (on the right in the photo) are actually buttoned. I freaking love this detail. I also love the cuffed sleeves that are stitched back. Plus, the back of the coat has a slit that goes up to my hips. This makes moving in this coat incredibly easy, especially getting in and out out of the car. The sides of the coat create protective panels when I walk as a result. I’m able to take wider steps and still be warm partially down my legs since the sides of the coat move more with me. I can button up the coat all the way to the top, but I don’t really need to. The back of the coat neck is designed in a way that gives me the neck protection I need and has a lift to it. The shoulders are a little tight, but that’s caused me to stand up straighter more than anything else. I’m not held down by it or feel uncomfortable, mostly because the back slit allows the coat to move up more if I’m seated. For as structured as this coat looks, it’s amazingly easy to move around in and I have a feeling that was the intent.
Ok, have I described enough how much of an engineering feat of incredible design this coat is now? Will. Keep. Forever.
Ok, back to regular programming with the outfit I wore under the coat. I shocked the hell out of my boss today because I was wearing something with color. For some reason this very old and faded cardigan had just enough color to really pop out with this outfit and he kept talking about it. It’s kinda weird how he notes these things. I’m not sure how much of it is him judging me or if he’s really just weird like that.
Remember this pant from last winter? They are incredibly warm and I like how they are mostly lined (down to the knee). It’s time to break them out again.
I was gifted this sweater for Christmas and while it is nice, I’m really not a fan of cashmere in general. I don’t like fabric that’s fussy for washing. Even though 90% of my clothes should be dry cleaned, I throw them in the wash on delicate and hang or flat dry. I’ve always been able to make my clothes work out for me after washing, despite most of their finicky instructions and fabrics. However, cashmere never works out. I delicate wash cold, flat dry and it still shrivels on me and I have to stretch it out. The sleeves of this sweater are annoying now. They cling on to me and while I understand the style in general is meant to be form-fitting the sleeves are too tight. I hate seeing the elbow dimples on this sweater when I take it off.
I’m also very annoyed with how common cashmere sweaters are now. Everlane only seems to have cashmere or their “luxe wool” aka super thin merino that tears easily and also shrinks easily even with cold wash. When I look on TRR, it’s mostly cashmere as well. I can’t count how many times I’ve found a nice looking sweater but then wrinkled my nose and closed out the browsing window because I found out it’s cashmere. I much prefer wool blends.
I’m realizing that while I kept saying I don’t need any more clothes that it’s not stopping me from buying other things I don’t need now. I’m replacing one habit with another. Now, it’s buying new bedding or having ten flavors of honey as options for whatever tea I’m drinking in the office (my current favorite is chestnut tea). This isn’t really solving the issue at all and while I am picking up my exercise routine as much as I can, I need to be more aware of stopping myself from buying other things simply because I can.
If anything, I need to be saving the money I’m not spending on clothes to use for bigger house projects like us wanting to get new floors and update the bathroom and change out the kitchen counter tops and repaving the driveway, etc… I need to look at it as a challenge on how I can save up the money to do these things rather than shrug it off and buy another expensive piece of clothing.
Y’s turtleneck top – The Row pant – Jil Sander shoes
I’ve had lots of mini break downs lately. My mother was here for a couple weeks and although I love her dearly it’s difficult to always be talking about what’s going to happen (or not, which is even worse not knowing…) or about what I need to do with regards to dad’s estate since I’m solely responsible for doing everything now. Having the responsibility doesn’t bother me, but rather I feel like I’ve simply not had time to grieve and work my feelings out from all of it. It seems like everything came crashing down all in the span of one month and now we are sitting in a holding pattern of dread, fear, stress and anxiety until late December (mom’s sentencing) and beyond.
As a result, any patterns I’ve had to keep myself sane have flown out the window. I’m not exercising regularly. I’m not eating as well as I used to and suddenly find myself binging. I also have been having mini minor panic attacks simply from talking about any of this. I’ve also noticed I’m justifying purchasing anything and everything because I just fucking need instant gratification now on something that won’t make me want to punch a wall or scream.
I sorta had one of those “oh wait, I remember when….” moments this past weekend, which stopped me in my tracks. Many years ago when I was unemployed for a ridiculously long time I didn’t buy clothes (granted I bought other little things, but didn’t spend nearly as much money) and I exercised a lot. Oh yeah, remember that time Jen when you went FIVE YEARS without even buying a new pair of underwear or socks? It wasn’t until well after I’d had a job that I even thought about buying clothes and then remembered I kinda needed new underwear because I got tired of it sagging off me. Part of that was due to my underwear being so old and part was due to having lost weight. Remembering that made me realize I honestly don’t need to buy anything at this point in time. Would it be nice to have x, y and z items? Sure, but I really don’t need them and I’ve lived well enough without such things before, so what’s the point of getting it now?
I also remembered every other time I was miserable and tried to think what the hell I did to normalize myself. It ended up being exercise. So today I got out my notebook and nearly cried at the numbers as I put them down. In April I could do 4 reps of chin-ups: 15, 13, 12, 10. That means I did 15 consecutive chin ups in one rep before pausing for a couple minutes and then doing another 13 and so on. God fucking damn my arms were amazing then. Today’s numbers: 4, 4, 3, 3. Pitiful. I don’t even want to think about whether or not I can do a pull-up and those are much harder.
I miss feeling strong. I miss my boring routine. I miss hating exercising – if that makes sense. I’m writing it here to kick myself in the ass and give myself something to focus on again since I’ve been all over the place lately. This will be an enormous challenge as well knowing what’s coming up and knowing the weather is not going to get any warmer now. Also holidays are coming soon and that’s always throws a wrench on any routine at all.
45rpm wool jacket – Helmut Lang silk shirt – Uniqlo pant – Jil Sander shoes
I almost went with my navy Jil Sander leather sneakers, but remembered those were a bit more on the purple-ish side so I went with black shoes. I think I could easily become one of those people who wears monochrome outfits.
The office was so chilly today I had to wear my wool coat because I didn’t have a layer to wear over my silk shirt. The silk is thick and of good quality, but let’s face it – no silk can withstand cold temperatures alone.
I had a little break down again today emotionally. I barely kept it together during work and then cried when I got home and needed lots of snuggling with Z. I know I’m depressed, which is a given, but I think the anxiety of not knowing what’s going to happen is ten times worse and I felt my chest tighten a lot throughout the day. I’ve also been getting lots of emails regarding my dad’s estate, which I am solely in charge of taking care of now. There is so much fucking shit to do when someone dies! It’s fucking insane and makes me want to get rid of my credit cards and bank cards even liquidate my IRA and only deal with cash for everything. I never want to put anyone through this shit when I die. Holy fuck what has happened to us that we have to have ten fucking billion layers for every tiny little thing we do even after death!
Helmut Lang silk shirt – Y’s pant – Jil Sander shoes
Of course the one day I should wear a sweater I wear a silk shirt and freeze instead.
I got to the office and went to put my lunch in the fridge back in the kitchen and nearly stepped in an inch of water. What? Apparently one of the pumps in part of our warehouse broke and sprayed pressurized water for 12 hours on Sunday, flooding everything. The water had started creeping into the business office area by Monday morning and definitely wet areas that were uneven and lower like the kitchen, near the bathrooms, and the IT room. Everyone on the shop floor was sent home. However, all of us business office people ended up having to stay the entire day and work. Umm…. ok. Not that there’s a whole hell of a lot we could do since, you know, we didn’t run production that day at all. Maintenance was also there all day directing the restoration company that came to clean up over an inch of water everywhere.
Total bust of a work day that kinda made me pissed I had to stay for it. Most of us got caught up on things and made jokes about the company having natural disasters. Several years ago there was a fire on the shop floor and now we’ve had a flood. While many were getting biblical with what the next catastrophe would be (many said locusts) some of us were thinking more basic elements. We’ve had fire, water and next should be wind? So 38 months from now, which is the estimated disaster date, we’ll expect the next experience to be a tornado or hurricane blowing off the roof of the building.
Yohji Yamamoto top – The Row pant – Jil Sander shoes
This outfit is baggy and loose and I kinda felt like that really weird high school art teacher everyone isn’t quite sure has all her marbles. That being said, I was extremely comfortable, despite the large amount of weird looks I got for this outfit. This is the YY shirt I’ve had my eye on for well over a year and it does not disappoint. I’ll have to take better photos of all the little pleated details everywhere. There are little pleats on the cuffs and on the back. It’s meant to be that weird oversized type of garment and I could easily see wearing it open as a sort of short duster as well.
I really feel like karma decided to spite me for taking that half day earlier in the week. I ended up being progressively busier as the week went on and by Friday my head was spinning from all the stuff I had to keep track of and respond to. A coworker asked me why my clients were the problem children and I told her because I’m the only one who can keep them in line. It’s really sad when I have to tell a client to stop updating POs if they want the parts to start running anytime soon and then tell another client they are the ones who have the revision changes wrong on the PO and then I literally point out the order. And then there’s my usual problem child…. who gave me the totally wrong drawings for a quote – for the year – and now we have to start all over again with the new ones, which are clearly so half-assed that my engineers have to practically redo them for the client. *sigh*
I was too busy to think about my anxiety with my family. Is it weird that work stress somewhat keeps me on even keel so that I’m not getting chest pains by being too busy?
My day was a whirlwind of meetings and running around the shop floor. All of a sudden everything is a priority again and quotes need to be done on time and parts are running late (mostly due to client issues….), yada yada yada….
I left early for my doctor’s appointment and was glad to get away from it all.
When I saw the doctor I gave him a brief summary of what’s been going on with my family and he stared at me in shock. I’m kinda used to seeing the eye-popping expression of disbelief. The look of incredulous astonishment that this can happen bewilders people so much they can hardly speak, let alone even know how to respond to me. How can our government do that? Why on earth would they? How can decide to send innocent people to jail like that? Well…. it all boils down to money and politics, clearly. So hard-working people like my mother, who try to do the right thing, end up getting fucked.
Needless to say he gave me a medication for anxiety. This is for short term, so depending on what happens with my mother’s upcoming sentencing, I might need more medications or a change in them.