Fake Friday

fake friday

Everlane sweater – Grana Jeans – Frye Carly Chukkas

The necklace above was the first gift Z gave me when we started dating. I don’t remember what it was for, but I know he got it from an online store of a friend of mine at the time. I’m not sure what this says about him or me, but my boss said it looked like it could be used as a weapon. I think this confirms he’s terrified of me to some degree. (I always call him out on not getting stuff done and waiting until the last minute.)

I’ve been upping my exercise a bit. I guess I should say I’m changing it up as well. I need to address a few issues with the tendonitis in both my legs, but other than that I’m feeling a bit better now that I’m focusing more on getting back into shape. There is something very uplifting about feeling stronger – even if it means feeling the DOMS in my  ams and lats from doing so many chin-ups and push-ups lately.

Too early for this ****

yukibomb

Helmut Lang silk shirt – Everlane sweater – The Row pant – Frye Carly Chukkas – Yuki cat bombing my photo, taken by Z.

I left work early due to snow. Technically, this was a week ago because I’m a week ahead on my photos. OMG snow already! UGH. I live in a hilly area so driving home in snowy weather is a survival sport. I swear when I leave work I scream: WITNESS ME! (Mad Max Fury Road reference – bonus because my haircut makes me look like Imperator Furiosa). It sucked because what is on an ideal day a 20 minute drive in to work – took me an hour to get home due to road closures (the main one I take) and cars driving super slow and sliding like idiots all over the road after two inches of snow fell.

In any case I got home early (yay!) and got on the treadmill because many of my steps during my day are taken while storming through the shop floor, checking on part orders and then walking back to furiously write emails about updates and issues and then panicking and taking a walk around the parking lot. Only now said parking lot is covered in snow and it’s generally too cold to do so outside. Grrr… my daily walk-breaks are routine at work and I’m a bit out of sorts now because I can’t get that fresh air break and move around. Z asks why I don’t just walk laps around the shop floor and well… that’s because it’s literally packed to the gills with machines, tools and odds and ends and the floors are super slippery and I have to wear special non-slip shoes when I’m on the shop floor. It’s not an ideal place to take a leisurely walk. That in itself is some kind of survival sport. I see the shop floor like a potentially deadly Rube-Goldberg machine. For those curious as to why, just look up CNC machine videos on Youtube.

So earlier this week I mentioned getting more sweaters and I’ll admit, I’ve already broken my non-promise to stop spending money on clothes. I ordered some items from TRR and I’m about to order more items – mostly sweaters – from a fast-fashion site. Boo. Hiss. I’m awful. Start the lynching! Why am I doing this!?!

A. Because I have plans to go on a full on clothing shopping ban in 2019.
B. (This is a long, bullshit excuse so bear with it…) I love sweaters and since I did the KonMari thing and threw out several, I’ve been trying to make up for that since then (seriously, KonMari-ing my wardrobe was a mistake I’m still making up for) and I know the brands on the fast-fashion site (Yesstyle) I plan on buying these items from will not disappoint. I’m buying for the long haul – meaning they will last me a really long time so no I don’t feel bad about it. These sweaters will not only last this winter but many more to come. That is my goal.
C. I can’t find the styles of sweaters I like anywhere else. I’ve tried several second hand places and sometimes the shit I find on TRR makes me wonder: who da fuq would buy that if it was $5 let alone $150 or $525!?

Plans for this weekend? Hanging plants! I’ve gone full-on bonkers for taking care of plants now and I’ve begged Z to get the right anchoring thing-a-majiggies for plaster ceilings we need for hanging plants indoors. I have a nursery I love and have had a horrible habit of driving to Every. Single. Weekend. to just look at plants. I think one of the guys there who sees me all the time may think I’m lonely or something.

Anyway, hope everyone is having a good long holiday weekend (hopefully) in the US.

 

Working out in winter.

 

before

Yohji Yamamoto shirt – Girlfriend Collective leggings – Dries Van Noten shoes

We’ve had some really cold weather lately so even though it’s technically not winter – it feels like it. In fact, we’ve already had snow (last week). When it’s cold, it’s always harder to motivate myself to exercise. Most of my work clothes are easily warm and comfortable enough for me to wear into the evening until I take my nightly shower before bed. However, I am trying to keep up my workout routine for my sanity (it really helps on the emotional front) and I developed a “trick” last winter and am doing it again to keep myself in check. On most days I will wear some part of my workout outfit under my work outfit. In today’s case, I literally only had to take off the Yohji shirt (I had the Everlane one on underneath for warmth and I wore my workout bra all day – most of mine are comfortable enough for that) and change my shoes. Like so…

workout

I’ll admit – some days this doesn’t work and even though I’m all geared up I simply can’t muster up the strength to force myself down one flight of stairs to the cold basement to work out. *Insert single, tiny violin solo for First World Problems and emo whining here* Most days it does work though and lately because I know it’s helping me emotionally, I’m all in.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving for those in the US. We are going low-key this year and doing basic get together at the in-laws.

Did the Thing

voted

Everlane sweater – Yohji Yamamoto skirt – Frye Carly Chukkas

This is the outfit I wore when I voted. I know, I’m a week late to the party on this. I have my photos staggered over a week in advance, which helps me keep posts each day. I take a weeks’ worth of photos and then set up my next round of posts. It’s the only way I’d keep up with this blog right now. I know I don’t write much on my posts these days and that’s because sometimes I look at these photos and think: wait, what was I doing then… Most days really are nothing much to mention.

However, voting day was something different. I decided to vote before work, so I went out in the rain and drove to the nearby high school, which is my designated place. There were guys standing outside handing out flyers promoting a total fucking asshole whose signs I’ve seen all over my neighborhood. Even in my half asleep state I heard said asshole’s name and walked past the flyer people, saying “no thanks.” I don’t need another piece of paper – another piece of trash – another fucking promotional item for a piece of shit I can’t stand.

After voting I saw the same woman sitting at a table that I saw during district elections. She volunteers each time. I think she’s been in cancer remission and each time she’s there she has an enormous dog with her. I walked over to say hello and once again she complimented my haircut. She has short hair as well and this time I gave her the name of the salon I go to. I think last time I spoke to her the salonist I had at the time left her work and I stopped going there. I was happy to give her a name and a place this time. Anyway, the woman insisted I take a sticker, which I normally don’t. I know many are all about showing off that they voted because it is important and while I definitely believe it is important I’ve never been one to draw attention to myself in that way so usually I declined the stickers. However, by the end of our conversation I ended up taking a sticker.

When I got to work I had my jacket on and then sat at my desk for a while so most people didn’t notice my sticker until later and then asked me, surprised “when did you vote?” Some people even smiled and were glad to see I voted and said they were going right after work.

Z works with political canvasing groups all the time at his job. It is his job. It’s their entire platform. They work with non-profits, charities, political canvasing groups, etc…. Unlike most, instead of using paper, the company he works for allows clients to lease tablets and phones and they lease out the software as well so the clients get results instantly. Z had been working nonstop for nearly two weeks just before elections. I noticed he was coming home later than usual and as soon as he got home, he’d immediately go upstairs, get on his computer and keep working. He’d have his phone next to him at all times and even have to stop during dinner to help a client with something or another. ALL the campaigns were going on at the same time and his clients were begging him for devices to send out for canvasing. They were wiped out completely and spent 5 hours on a Sunday solely fixing broken tablets to get anything and everything they could out to the clients. One client asked the day before elections for anything and Z said nope. He almost sent him a photo of the completely empty shelves in their storage room where all the devices are usually stored.

And now, even though elections are over, he’s still coming home late because all the campaigns for the nation-wide homeless count are starting up. Last year they only had a few locations. This year they are getting 10-15. “Sales people need to chill!” Z lamented one night during dinner because he was tired after having late afternoon calls with west coast clients.

It’ll be nice when this year is over. All the crazy campaigning will be done with, my mom’s sentencing will decide our next steps, and hopefully we can get a break from everything soon.

Enter the season of crap lighting for OOTDs.

daylight gone

Vince turtleneck – Everlane shirt – Won Hundred pant – Coach boots

I really hate Daylight Savings. I’d rather have more light at the end of the day than the beginning. I’ve never entirely understood the point of daylight savings in general. It’s always been annoying.

I got out my photography light with the diffuser umbrella and I think I have decent enough lighting now. It’s only going to get worse as the season goes on so I figured it would be best to try and figure out a good lighting routine now. I feel like last year I was all over the place with lighting on my photos. This isn’t great, but it’s the best I can do for now.

 

On not needing things other than clothes

monday

Y’s turtleneck – Everlane sweater – The Row pant – Jil Sander shoes

I’m realizing that while I kept saying I don’t need any more clothes that it’s not stopping me from buying other things I don’t need now. I’m replacing one habit with another. Now, it’s buying new bedding or having ten flavors of honey as options for whatever tea I’m drinking in the office (my current favorite is chestnut tea). This isn’t really solving the issue at all and while I am picking up my exercise routine as much as I can, I need to be more aware of stopping myself from buying other things simply because I can.

If anything, I need to be saving the money I’m not spending on clothes to use for bigger house projects like us wanting to get new floors and update the bathroom and change out the kitchen counter tops and repaving the driveway, etc… I need to look at it as a challenge on how I can save up the money to do these things rather than shrug it off and buy another expensive piece of clothing.

On not being able to dress for any weather, inside or out

cold

Journal Standard linen jacket – Everlane shirt – Rachel Comey Menace Pant – Nisolo shoes

The AC was cranked today to help keep the humidity down from the flooding yesterday. I wasn’t planning on it, but ended up wearing my jacket all day. When I went outside for a couple walks I was hot due to the humid, warm weather, but then shocked right back into huddle mode when I got inside. The kitchen also smells really badly of mildew and apparently half the walls are being replaced due to water damage. But here’s the weird thing, they are cutting the wall on a quarter of the way up from the floor and replacing only that section. It’s really weird and frustrating. The industrial dehumidifiers and fans whirring in the office and on the shop floor all day meant everyone was shouting above each other and I left work with a pounding headache.

The Shop Yohji Yamamoto is open and I’ve been drooling over so many things. I’ve been looking forward to the Ground Y collections and am now picking out items for a wishlist. Btw, nearly all the items are unisex….

This “fluttering dress”/ cardigan is gorgeous.

This turtleneck top/dress looks really comfortable and I could see myself living in it all the time.

This skirt/poncho = swoon.

These gabardine hakama pant and wrap dress look perfect to combine.

This no-sleeve vintage crepe de chine vest dress drapes gorgeously (and looks so much better on the male model in the product shots).

This week keeps rolling the punches

not white

Everlane sweater – Y’s pant – Jil Sander shoes

My day was a whirlwind of meetings and running around the shop floor. All of a sudden everything is a priority again and quotes need to be done on time and parts are running late (mostly due to client issues….), yada yada yada….

I left early for my doctor’s appointment and was glad to get away from it all.

When I saw the doctor I gave him a brief summary of what’s been going on with my family and he stared at me in shock. I’m kinda used to seeing the eye-popping expression of disbelief. The look of incredulous astonishment that this can happen bewilders people so much they can hardly speak, let alone even know how to respond to me. How can our government do that? Why on earth would they? How can decide to send innocent people to jail like that? Well…. it all boils down to money and politics, clearly. So hard-working people like my mother, who try to do the right thing, end up getting fucked.

Needless to say he gave me a medication for anxiety. This is for short term, so depending on what happens with my mother’s upcoming sentencing, I might need more medications or a change in them.

Black and blue again

black and blue

Everlane sweater – Y’s pant – Jil Sander shoes

The weather is starting to turn – or so I thought. I was actually a bit warm in this. Just when I think the weather will be cool enough to bring out my sweaters it turns ridiculously humid. The temperature itself calls for a jacket or a sweater, but the humidity ends up being so high a tee and shorts would feel more comfortable. I keep wondering when I can break out all my black and blue outfits again because I tend to wear that combination a lot in winter.

Because I took a half day yesterday, my work load ended up doubling. This usually isn’t the case, but I was wrecked from chest pains and a work-induced headache by the time I got home.

Mental health

blah day

Everlane top – Uniqlo pant – Dries Van Noten shoes

I left work early today for mental health.

Since my dad died and now my mom is alone to deal with all the shit she’s been through I’ve had severe anxiety issues. I’ve not had them this bad in a long time – at least ten years. I know it’s severe when I have angina attacks. Angina can have several causes, but in my case it’s due to severe anxiety and stress. The muscles constrict so tightly it reduces blood flow to the heart and causes pain similar to a heart attack. I freaked the fuck out the first time I experienced it while in college. I went to a doctor when I started experiencing the pain, thinking I was having a heart attack. The doctor told me what it was and it was due to anxiety and stress. Many years later I experienced it again as a reaction to a medication so I knew not to take it ever again. But now it’s back and it’s mostly due to me thinking about my mom’s situation all the time.

I’ve had two attacks in the past week.

After the pain finally subsides, which can take upwards of an hour, I feel as though someone used my chest as a punching bag. The first time last week the pain was so numbing afterwards I felt sore all over and couldn’t do anything the following day. The second time was in the middle of the night. I hadn’t been sleeping well and it made me even more awake at 5 am.

I couldn’t sleep last night and could tell I was feeling the anxiety tension build up. The tightness in my chest becomes unbearable and then the pain stabs and doesn’t let up until I’ve figured out how to calm down or take lots of medicine. All morning at work my chest felt tight and I was extremely emotional. A coworker immediately noticed and pulled me into her office to talk. She’s had angina before so she could relate and knows what’s going on with me as well. The other day she said she was amazed how calm and controlled I can look under the circumstances, but I’m really not. I feel like I’ve been cracking lately. Today was one of those days where nothing could keep it down. I went home and screamed and cried and went out for a run, which did help briefly.

I’ve got a doctor’s appointment later this week. I know I need medication for this while I’m in the thick of it and until my mom’s situation is sorted out I may be on meds for a while. I really hate taking medications and I know the line of drugs anxiety meds falls  under can be harsh on the body. Anxiety/anti-depression drugs are very easy to get addicted to and the side effects and withdrawals from them can be monstrous. I know about coming off anti-depression drugs from when I was in college, so I’ve never been keen to go back on anything like that. However, I may have to suck it up and take it now if I’m to get through a day of work or even get a decent night’s worth of sleep.