Positive Vortexes

Z and I are back from our long vacation through the southwest. The trip lasted forever, or so it felt. I guess that means we really needed a break and packed in a lot of sight seeing and hiking. We visited the Hoover Dam, Zion National Park, Bryce Canyon National Park, Antelope Canyon, Horseshoe Bend, Monument Valley, Grand Canyon National Park (south rim only), Montezuma Castle, Taliesen West (Frank Lloyd Wright studio/winter home), and Sedona.


I took over 400 photos with my regular camera and many more on my phone, but I’ll just show some highlights of my favorites. My favorite was Bryce Canyon.


Hoodoos everywhere. Some clusters looked like castles and fortresses. We hiked a trail that gave us a close up look of them all and wound our way through the main amphitheater of the park.


This area is named Wall Street. People are for scale and Z is on the rock.


Z’s favorite was Antelope Canyon, which is a series of slot canyons. Slot canyons are protected under Navajo reservation territory so one can only go via guided tour. We walked behind the main guide building and then down 4 flights of super steep ladder-like stairs straight into the canyon below us.

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The above photo came straight out of my camera. I’ve not done any editing. The shadows and lighting in the canyon made the digital sensors in the camera go a little off, but I like the effect. Of course, this wouldn’t have happened with a film camera.


Some areas were large and the guided tour groups all crowded in them so it was hard to take good photos without people, but most of the 3/4 mile trail was full of winding single-person lane paths like the above. In some cases we had to walk sideways and really squeeze ourselves through. Not recommended for people with claustrophobia!

I kept forgetting that we were technically several thousand feet above sea level already so to walk down into the canyon felt very strange, like we were submerging ourselves underground, but we were still technically above sea level.

We spent the most time in Sedona. After hiking in Zion, Bryce, Antelope, and Grand we relaxed. The first day we wandered town.  It’s really surprising how 20+ crystal shops can exist and all stay in business when they sell nearly all the same items at every shop. Their schtick is the whole “crystal vortex” thing, which I laughed at but I know many take very seriously. One can also take guided “sacred” tours to the vortexes. The amount of rich hippie voodoo in that town blew me away. I’m not a believer in all that, so to see tourists eagerly drink the kool-aid and pay a lot for it was quite amusing.

The following day we did a little sight seeing and then Z went on an ATV tour. He got his own vehicle (paid extra for the fast one) and ran around the mountains for 4 hours while I wandered town more. I found a spa with a NuFace facial treatment.

I’d never been to a spa before, so I was a little nervous. Also, I had a guy for the massage. A lady in the locker room said wear whatever is comfortable – as she bared her breasts while changing right in front of me. I went nude (with robe and slippers) and while the guy was professional and kept the blankets over me appropriately while he worked I still felt a bit OMG!!!! It was nice but I probably didn’t get as much relaxation out of the massage part as I thought I would. No regrets though for reasons I will explain later.

The NuFace facial was worth every penny. Since Elaine mentioned NuFace a while back I’ve been curious but hesitant to pay for something I wasn’t certain would work. The woman who gave the facial did a great job and I was surprised at how the hour was filled with her putting stuff on my face and then massaging my neck, shoulders and hands while the serums and moisturizers set in. The NuFace device really did give my face a bit of a lift, but didn’t tempt me to spend $300+ dollars for it. I have an amazon cheapie that’s not even a NuFace dupe at home and if anything, the professional facial made me more vigilant in using the cheap device more often. Also, I was given a free tinted lip stain I’ve worn each day since then. I’m allergic to most lip glosses and most stains or semi-gloss lipsticks are too dry for my liking. I’ve been able to put my lip balm over the stain throughout the day and not have it disappear or get weirdly textured on me. At the end of the facial I got a menu of sorts of the products used on me if I ever wanted to purchase them at the spa or elsewhere.

There were a few cons to the trip: arid weather, getting a little altitude sickness and our Airbnb choices. Being in places with less than 20% humidity for an extended period of time did a number on Z and myself. My nose bled every time I blew it and hurt from cracking inside. I also sneezed constantly due to the dust. I NEVER felt clean while we were away. All I could smell was dust and even after bathing and using my lotion I still felt a bit gross and dry. Z had crackly skin the entire trip and applied lip balm like it was his job. Originally I wasn’t going to get a massage, but Z convinced me to do it and I’m glad I did if only for the fact that someone spent an hour working oil into my skin to retain moisture.

When we got off the plane at home, the blast of humid, rainy weather made us instantly feel better. Z said we had super human strength now and could run a marathon. Not only was it humid, but we had AIR. I felt like King Roland at the end of Spaceballs . Sedona was the lowest place we stayed at – around 4300 ft above sea level. I had an episode of “uh-oh, Z you may want to catch me now” while we were hiking the south rim at Grand Canyon at 7000+ ft. The weather this trip was nice, but 75F in the desert feels oddly much warmer in the sun than it does at home. It felt more like 85F at times, but then I’d need a jacket in the shade… I was oddly sunburned and hot but cold very easily as well. That combined with odd sleep made me more susceptible to altitude sickness.

The Airbnb choices didn’t help much in making me feel better. The Zion place was decent. We had cows for neighbors – literally – as in they were on the other side of the fence less than 100 ft from our door. The bed was rather hard for us though. Next was the Bryce place and that was downright awkward since it was a room built next to a roadside diner sort of place run by the Airbnb owners. The only positive I can say about it was the phenomenal water pressure in the tiny shower. Being next to a highway made sleeping awful for us. Also, I really think Airbnb people who list full size beds as “queen” size should be shot and then give us our money back. There. Is. A. Difference. The Antelope canyon place was ok, but having a cabinet stick out over the pedestal sink made washing up very difficult. The dumpsters being cleaned out right outside our window in the morning was not pleasant. Also, the  standing shower was so small I had trouble washing in it. I don’t know how Z managed, who is many inches taller than me- maybe he had a foot out the entire time or something. The Sedona Airbnb was a winner. It was a small cottage next to the main property that was completely self-contained in a nice neighborhood and very comfortable. The owners knew what they were doing. There was clearly an aesthetic to the place with matching neutral colors, unlike the crazy mix of colors and decor in the others (or lack thereof).

1 out of 4 was a winner for Airbnb. It’s our fault for picking such oddball places. You get what you pay for. Every place we stayed at was completely adequate in its own separate way. Technically, the blame lies with us for picking the place. So, what’s wrong with them? Other than the one in Sedona – none of them were comfortable. I felt gross in two of them and all of them were weird to some degree. During our second night in Bryce I flat out told Z: I’m too old for this shit. Sleep is extremely important to me because I get so little of it regularly. So staying in these weird places that look like people just threw whatever was in their storage closet in a cheap room and called it a day ain’t cutting it. I’m not young enough to tolerate the inconveniences and inconsistencies in amenities each place offers anymore. I’m done with hard beds, 10+ year old flat pillows, wildly colored POLYESTER SHEETS, tiny bathrooms with zero sink space or standing showers I can’t move around in, oddly dim lighting or just one overhead light and nothing else, and places that really aren’t as convenient as the listings make them sound. We aren’t struggling financially anymore to make these trips happen.  We agreed that from now on we will find better places to stay because it’s worthwhile to have a comfortable place to stay with proper amenities after a full day of activities.

I did greatly enjoy our trip and have more to say for another time, but I do feel the need to write out what I disliked because I’m already planning our next trip so we don’t make these mistakes again with lodging. National Park trips are best planned as early as possible because the best lodging and air fares go very quickly. We’re looking at going to Glacier National Park next.

Cool weather formula


I’ve fallen into a safe uniform formula for the cooler weather lately. A lightweight sweater and pant with a cardigan or wool jacket if I need a layer for going outside.

The photo with the beer is from today. It’s been Hell Week at work, which I knew was going to happen. Why? Because I’m going on vacation for two weeks, so OF COURSE I would get in ALL the customer POs for the last quarter push and Q120 demands. I leave work each day with a headache due to my eyes flitting from one screen to another, rapidly typing in PO items and then scurrying down to the other building for a conference call.

I’ve been trying to tidy up any and all loose ends before I leave. I don’t like dumping my work on others and by the same token I don’t want to be told nothing got done because I wasn’t there (which wouldn’t surprise me – it seems to be the status quo….). If I don’t sit on a project, it rarely  moves as quickly as it should, which always worries me. But this time, I’m done. After tomorrow I’m shutting off all notifications and not taking any calls. Z and I haven’t had a proper vacation in nearly 3 years. WE. NEED. THIS.

4 days, 1 pant

blue shirtblack shirtcardigangreen sweatercasual friday

Wearing the same pant until Friday was surprisingly easy. I was reminded of my old uniforms where I wore a tee and jeans every day. Usually the same jeans with a different tee. Once again I’m questioning do I really need half the clothes I own? Probably not, but feeling the gut wrenching remorse of “why did I do that” after KonMari-ing my wardrobe once cautions me against purging in general. I now make a pile of clothes I no longer like or fit well and let them sit for a while. If I think of any item in that pile at all it means I’m not ready to let it go. I’ve had a pile sitting now for 4 months, glaring at it begrudgingly because it’s taking up space in my office, but knowing I need to have patience if this will truly tell me what I need.

Sweaters and cardigans creep into the wardrobe mix again. Do I need all of them? Again, probably not but I’m glad to have the options. Shockingly, I had a whole pile of clothes sitting and waiting for the ironing board for two weeks but I didn’t feel the pull to wear them. Not that they aren’t nice clothes, but maybe the task of ironing them wore me down so they stayed out of my mind.

Since Z is sick and working all weekend (4 events in one day, poor guy) I’m running errands and doing chores diligently. All of the ironing is done. The basement was thoroughly vacuumed. The bathrooms are scrubbed clean. I bought extra food items at the store he might like: soups and chewy cookies. He putters around the house in his PJs with his phone in his pocket, ready at a moment’s notice to answer it or immediately go to his laptop, which seems to come with him into every room.

Trying to eat less meat means making more stews or large-scale recipes. I found a NYT wild mushroom stew recipe, but can’t mimic it exactly. I don’t have the option of as many fresh mushrooms as the recipe calls for, but Whole Foods seems to carry enough of an array to make do. A large batch on the weekends for my weekday lunch portions over quinoa works best.

My newest challenge: do not snooze on weekdays so I have more time in the mornings to make coffee before work. I have lots of delicious coffee and teas, but they only get used on the weekends. I don’t like drinking the “mediocre” stuff at work. It feels like I’m cheating or degrading myself on the work days. That’s not how I should treat myself. Darker mornings and my notoriously lazy inner self will definitely make this one of the greatest challenges ever. Wish me luck.

Plants saying hi


I took these photos nearly a month ago and the status has changed a bit. Also, I excluded some photos because I should just take new ones. The above pilea glauca aquamarine has been a total pain for me. It’s constantly dying and I’ve tried everything I can think of to keep it going, but I still find several new dead stems each week. These may just be one of those plants that I cannot get my head around.

ficus & ivy

The hanging spiderwort plant (also known as Wandering Jew) has been pretty much halved and I’m going to have around three more plants to make from what I took off of it. Below is my fairly new ficus lyrata plant. There are two branches in this one and it seems a little crowded, but I’m keeping an eye on it. It’s grown several new leaves since this photo.

flowering prostrata

My little peperomia prostrata (string of turtles) is twice this size now and still in the same little owl pot. It’s been flowering like this for several weeks now.


This string of pearls is also twice the size it is above and is now in a terra cotta pot instead of the green plastic one above. It’s on the kitchen window sill and the pearls are hanging over the sill so much that I’m afraid they’ll get in the way of cleaning soon so I’m going to hang it up once I decide on the right hanging pot for it. I’m really proud of bringing this one back from the brink of death. It looks better now than when I originally bought it.

rubber plant

The above ficus elastica (rubber plant) is doing well. It’s grown a few leaves since this photo. I’ve always been nervous about these sort of plants – similar to the ficus lyrata, but they seem to be ok in my house. Granted, neither have survived a winter in my house yet, so TBD…

silver satin pothos

I love this silver satin pothos. The leaves are slightly fuzzy to the touch and look velvety. This has also grown quite a bit.

This is only a smattering of the plants in the house. I also bought a small monstera because I was afraid to commit to a large, expensive one in case I killed it. So I’m starting slowing with a little one that doesn’t have the token holes in the leaves yet. I also got a lemon-lime philodendron that’s doing well. The neon pothos I had over a year ago didn’t last, so I thought I’d try with a philo and so far so good.

It was my birthday this past week and aside from the Zelda: Link’s Awakening game I knew I was going to get Z surprised me with a gardening bench for the back porch. We put it together today.


Everything changes


I’m on a light color and monochrome kick.


A dress! This is the only dress I own right now. I just got it from Knock Knock Linen (after nearly two months). It’s heavy weight linen so it’s got a nice heft to it that makes me feel grounded and safe in it. The pockets are big and the length is flattering. I added a belt to cinch the waist since it would be rather triangular in look otherwise. I’ve worn it a lot lately and tend to wear a belt with it while I’m out and take it off when I’m at home lounging.

yuki distraction

This outfit was a case of: It looked better in my head than in person. The pant are new from Knock Knock and came at the same time as the dress. These are also heavy weight linen and have lots of functional pockets. If I was tall enough to leave the bottoms un-cuffed I would, but I opted out of shortening the length because I wanted to cuff them. They are very fuzzy and chunky due to the look of the raw style heavy linen, but are very comfortable.

I was picking up a camera lens cover I found on the other side of the room as Z took the photo. The culprit is standing next to me and the reason why I find little trinkets and things knocked about the room all the time.

The past two weeks – going on three – have been a blur. The week of Labor Day I was out of the office entirely on a trip to Vegas. It was incredibly hot so I stayed inside Casesar’s Palace where my room and the conference were the entire time. When I had down time I wandered the shops. I met a Saint Laurent sales rep who complimented me on my Yohji pant (from the suit I usually wear on business trips) and we got to talking about Japanese fashion. He was really nice, wished me well and said he was glad to meet a kindred Yohiji fan.

The following week I was busy in the office and had a day trip to Ohio. I was up and out the door at 6 am and returned at 9 pm. It was my first day trip like that and I felt a bit drained on Friday.

During the time of the conference a deal was made and our company was sold. I found out via an email from the CEO while waiting in the LAS airport for my flight home.  Ever since then our doors have been a revolving stream of reps from our new company. HR, benefits managers, CEO and upper management from the main and sub companies have all taken up residence in our conference rooms and main break room so all of our regularly scheduled meetings tend to be in small offices, the middle of hallways or areas of the shop floor that allow for people to congregate.  I had to fill out a new job application and file for new benefits. So far we’ve been told that there won’t be many employee changes, but we all know how that can change over time… I’m not worried about my position at all. I’ve been a one person department for quite a while and even though we’ve got another rep to help lighten the load there’s no need to trim anywhere in our department since we’ve already got well established connections with our customers. The big question is whether or not they will change our pay or not, which usually doesn’t happen, but isn’t entirely out of the reach of possibility.

I’m really surprised at how quickly September is flying by. The weather has also taken a drastic turn for cooler weather, but we are in the transition where one week is gloriously comfortable and the next is back to summer hot temps. My allergies have exploded and I spend more time moving about the office by sneeze-jet propulsion than walking.

Clothes without a job

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As I was getting ready for work one day I thought: what if I didn’t have this job? How would I dress? If I didn’t have to work would I still have the same clothes in my closet? Would I have as many?

Considering people associate themselves with their lines of work or what they do, it made me curious to know how differently we would be sartorially if we didn’t have that work.

Some wardrobes are dictated by their work due to status and profession. Would a lawyer not have all the suits in their closet? (Xin, feel free to chime in.) Would doctors not have as many blazers or sweaters? Would a fast food worker who usually wears a tee and jeans wear more dresses or dress up in general knowing they wouldn’t risk getting grease or food stains on their clothes regularly? Once those questions are answered maybe even a bigger question can be answered: Would our wardrobes be as big as they are now?

To answer the top questions, I know I wouldn’t have half the clothes I do now due to my job. In fact, I’d go so far as to say 95% of the clothes I bought last year most likely would not have been purchased at all nor even thought of if I didn’t have my job. So I clearly wouldn’t have as many clothes as I do now. I know my wardrobe has ballooned greatly. However, I’m starting to realize it never needed to in the first place. My job isn’t nearly as strict on the business casual as I thought. It’s simply – clean and casual – period. All that being said, I don’t regret the journey my wardrobe has taken over the years. I’m becoming more comfortable with what truly works for me throughout all of this trial-and…. trial with outfits. But now, the “business casual” mantra is dethroned for my work. I wear jeans and nice looking tees more often. Today I wore a completely wrinkled linen shirt (last photo). One thing I have learned – nice shoes will make any casual outfit better.  Shoes sort of set a bar or a message saying, “sure I could’ve dressed nicer, but this is nice enough and it works”.

Ironically Z’s wardrobe hasn’t changed much from his job. He was wearing nicer clothes he already had – at first. But then he went back to his standard jeans and tee uniform. He did recently buy several new short sleeve button-down shirts that greatly surprised me. When I asked him why he bought them, he simply said he thought he should dress more like a grown up. His decision was more personally than professionally based. Granted, I don’t doubt his job had something to do with it since he’s traveling more often, but the fact that he thought about his fashion style at all and wanted to make a slight change was enough to have me pester him relentlessly for days about this decision (that’s how rare it is that he ever changes anything about himself).


A Sunday

Bento feetRandom thoughts interspersed with random photos I’ve taken.

Yesterday Z and I went to a friend’s pool party. She has it every year – going for 5 years now. It’s a birthday pool party for her (she and Z were born on the same day so she’ll say happy birthday to him when everyone else is singing to her). I spent 3 hours in the pool talking to a friend. I only talk to him at the pool party each year and we always catch up on what we’ve done over the year. He’s a shrink (for children with disabilities/ trauma) and I told him what’s happened in my family. His compassion and wit have always been welcome so I felt fine talking to him about everything and it is why we always go back to talking to each other each year. I asked if he’d gotten a new watch because he’s got an obsession with buying watches. He showed me the latest one and then told me about his current death metal craze where he’s screaming  lyrics in a closet with a guitar and a dirty litter box and his wife dancing all happy around him just to annoy him. I laughed almost the whole three hours while getting prune-like in the pool.


I took two pairs of shoes to a local cobbler. One pair needed the soles replaced entirely. While the sole part was well done I wasn’t overly thrilled with how he handled cleaning my shoes from the salt and water spots. I kinda feel like he made them more obvious. The other pair of shoes needed to be glued back together with a good polishing and those look ok. He put a couple stitches in the bottom of the heel so if the glue comes apart again they will still stay together. I just hope the stitching doesn’t cause the shoes to get leaks in the bottom now if I’m out in rainy weather. If I need to go to a cobbler again sometime soon I might try out a different one.


I’ve recently replaced all of my old nylon underwear with silk. It was expensive but considering how long underwear lasts me I wasn’t too bothered by the price. The old nylon underwear was from Target and I’d bought it probably 6 or 7 years ago at least. There were pills all over them, elastic strings sticking out of them and some of the stretch was gone. The old bras were getting dimpled in the padded cup area and generally looked very sad. The new silk bras have removable padding and they have a triangle shape instead of cups, which looks more natural and are much more comfortable in general. The silk panties do feel a little like baggy granny style, but I’m really enjoying them because I’m tired of the lower rise underwear I’ve worn for so long. Also, this is the first time in 30 years I’ve had matching underwear; colors are taupe, medium grey and black.


I’ve been having a pinkish moment. I still don’t like straight up pink, but I’m leaning more towards mauve and taupe, which have pink accents. The cotton-linen cardigan I wore this week was labeled “pink beige” from the site I bought it from (same site as the underwear). I just consider it mauve. Also, I recently bought some shoes that said they were “light grey” in the description, but they actually look like they have a pinkish tone to them. At first this startled me, but I’m liking them a lot as an accent to darker outfits.


I am by no means a minimalist nor very good at being sustainable. I am taken too much by whimsy and influenced easily. That being said I am trying to take little steps. I bought cleaning cloths for cleaning the bathrooms and kitchen. Each room has different colored cloths and some have little more texture on them for scrubbing than others. I’m using these now instead of paper towels to clean. I’m also getting away from standard detergents and using more natural based cleaners. I’m nowhere near a vinegar and baking soda natural standard but again – little steps. My mom always used the same wash cloths she’d clean her face with for cleaning the bathroom and wiping down the shower with her bath towel and throwing it all in the laundry at the end of the week. I was doing that, but realized I felt something dirty about doing that. I like items to have specific uses so no, I’m not going to use my facial wash cloth to also scrub the grime in the bottom of the tub. That is a different cloth with a different purpose.

Lastly, I just tried replanting my spiderwort plant and I might’ve destroyed it! It hadn’t been watered so the plant starting tearing up from the roots. I’m terrified now so I left the plant in the same pot and gave it water and am keeping all limbs and fingers crossed it survives.

Lots of linen

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All three tops are made with linen to some degree. The first two are from Etsy shops with medium weight linen. The last one is a cotton/linen blend cardigan and light enough to wear on 80-something degree days without getting too warm. The first top (green) is my second item from Knock Knock Linen and it’s just as good as the first one. Their medium weight linen is super soft and comfortable. There was zero break-in period with that shirt as compared to the second photo with the short sleeve from Not Perfect Linen. It’s taken several washes now for that one to finally soften enough to be really comfortable.

I’ve bought several linen items this summer and most of it in medium or heavy weight so I can transition them better into a cooler weather wardrobe. I realized I’m not a huge fan of layering clothes, so clothes that can breathe and be a bit heavy work for me so I can wear them year round.

I’ve also been wearing my long Chimala jeans a lot more and getting used to the wide legs. Wearing a nicer shoe makes them look a bit better.

I’ve been reading the Swedish Death Cleaning book and I’m almost done with it. It’s a short read and basically boils down to common sense and not much else. I like the idea of death cleaning to make the process easier for those who have to take care of everything after I’m gone. However, the book itself I haven’t found all that instructional. In fact, I’ve found it a bit boring and have been more or less skimming sections of it. It’s like a series of old granny stories and the lesson at the end is to clean up after yourself or keep in mind everyone else. The author’s memory lane type stories become a bit tedious to read through after a while, despite them being very short in general. She also seems to contradict herself where in one chapter she’ll say to give something up irregardless of how loved the item was because no one no longer wants it and then in another chapter saying she kept something because she thought someday one of her grandchildren will need it, etc…. There are not clear and absolute directions like in Marie Kondo’s book. It sort of meanders to doing whatever you can to reduce one’s clutter, whenever you can… if you want…. I kinda wish the book had been more extreme. The only part in it that was clearly for shits and giggles and gasps (that made me eye-roll) was about very personal items. She mentions that if grandpa had a panty fetish and grandma had too many dildos, try to cut those down before one leaves the earth so as not to put the rest of the family/friends in shock after death. Otherwise Magnassun’s general rule of decluttering was very similar to Kondo’s: if no one likes it and it’s not worth trying to make others take it then get rid of it. The only real thoughtful idea I’ve gotten from the book so far is to contact charities and estate sales people who can value the belongings and sell them.

If something else jumps out at me in the last couple chapters I have then I’ll mention it, but otherwise the book has been a bit of a snoozer. It’s not very long and yet I’ve only had the patience to read a little bit at a time.

Thank you…GTNP tee shirt


This bamboo and cotton blend shirt was bought from the Grand Teton Visitor Center in 2010. Proceeds from all purchases in national park visitor centers go towards upkeep and maintenance of the parks. There were many colors of the shirt and I wanted to get the red and orange ones as well, but this strange heather blue one appealed to me the most.


Over the years I’ve worn this tee as a regular daytime tee, a workout tee, and most recently a nighttime tee. The fabric has softened greatly and despite the little pills and fading, it’s still holding up strong.

When I wore this tee during the day and used a lot more antiperspirant at the time it had horrible pit stains. I soaked the tee in oxyclean and that took the stains out. Shortly after I started wearing it to bed and not had stains since.


“The appreciation of landscapes comes only when one is alive to both its beauty and its meaning.” The main reason I bought this tee was for the picture of a moose and mountains. Z and I were really excited to see several moose on our trip and the mountains there are the most beautiful I’ve ever seen.


This is the most comfortable tee I own.

A Saturday

fluffy pancaketoe clawscoffee tablepearls and jade

The summer heat is draining.

The front flower beds look post-apocalyptic from overgrown weeds. Yet I refuse to go out in the hot and humid weather to pull them. I’ve never liked hot weather and retreat into dark and cool corners.

I’ve started collecting sweaters and socks for cooler weather. Finalizing my “wants” list for a challenge I’m setting up for myself. Linen clothes and silk underwear have been ordered – the waiting game begins.

One of my plants died recently and it made me incredibly upset. I’ve grown quite attached to some of them and tried everything I can to make them happy and grow. Unfortunately, I did something rather stupid with the plant that died without realizing it until after it was too late. Part of me wants to go run and replace it with another one to make grow again, but part of me says, “You’ve got how many others to take care of? Stop it and step back!”